A Spring Without You
by TheFlyingTomato
Summary: As Kousei Arima thinks back and remembers about his time spent with Kaori Miyazono, he tries to accept what has happened to her and move on.
1. Chapter 1: Questions

**A/N: Hey guys, new to this type of thing and it's the first fanfic I've ever written, so sorry if my writing or anything else doesn't make sense. The ending of Your Lie in April/Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso really got to me and I decided to write about how Kousei might have felt after the series. I don't own Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso, so of course, this isn't part of the real series. With that, I hope you enjoy.**

Springtime.

It was this season when I met her, the girl who would end up changing my life. She would end up making me return to the music world because of how selfish she was. She would force me to see color in the world again because she wouldn't take no for an answer. But most of all, she would teach me how to love because of how beautiful she was. That girl was Kaori Miyazono.

What I didn't know until it was too late was that she was going to die because of her illness. I truly believed that she would achieve the impossible and survive against all odds, just as she had done before, but this star burnt out and ran out of fuel. Why did this have to happen? Why does everyone I love have to keep leaving me when I needed them the most? What's the reason for it all?

Kaori Miyazono is the first girl that I could definitively say I fell in love with, and to this day, I still sometimes wonder how it happened. She's selfish, bratty, and inconsiderate of others. She's always screaming at me and telling me two different things, and then blaming me for not understanding her, as if it was my fault. She leaves the worst first impressions and her personality is the worst. So why and how exactly did I fall in love with her? Was it the way her teal eyes would sparkle brighter than any star whenever we were together? Or the way that her wavy blonde hair blew in the wind, as if she was freedom herself?

No. No, the reason why I fell in love with her was because she had given me something that I was missing in my life, something so invaluable that I haven't felt in years. She gave happiness and hope. Every time I was with her, she made me believe that I could do anything possible. The way she was so optimistic about everything, even if she didn't know the outcome, the way how she would smile after every performance, not caring about the scores, she was my inspiration. She introduced the world to me in a way I never thought possible. Just being with her made me more nervous than any performance I've ever given in my entire life. It was always so cute how her face would light up like a light bulb whenever I visited her in the hospital and brought her some caneles, her favorite dessert. Or when we would ride my bike underneath the blanket of stars and sing, with her arms wrapped around me and her scent propelling me to keep going on. And underneath the cherry blossoms, she looked so childlike and innocent, yet to angelic and free at the same time. I wish I could have it back. Have it all back. If only I realized my feelings for her sooner, or if only I wasn't so afraid...

Why can't I move on? Why am I frozen in time? A year has passed by since she passed away, and I ultimately accepted what had happened to her. So why is she still clinging on to me, the way she was clinging on to her life? Or is it I who is still clinging onto her? Watari and Tsubaki seemed to move forward, so why can't I? What is it that still makes me hold onto her, even though she's gone?


	2. Chapter 2: Anger and Confusion

**A/N: Wow, didn't actually expect to get as many people as I did to read my work, thanks for your time, guys! You're the reason why I want to continue this little story. And also, thank you, The Flame of a Raindrop, for the positive review, really appreciate it!**

Sometimes I wish I never met her. If I never met her, I wouldn't be in this state right now. Watari, Tsubaki, and I would be hanging out the way we always have been our entire lives. I was content with my life, but apparently Kaori found it her job to barge in my life and try to take control, the nerve of her. She always had to come and force her way into my personal life. She forced me to be her accompanist when I hadn't played for nearly 3 years, she used the guilt trip method to make me sign up for a competition, she made me perform with her at the Gala concert, to which she didn't even show up to. I mean, if you do that sort of thing, you should at least have the decency to show up to your own performance. And now, here I am, wondering why this all had to happen.

Why did she even have to come into my life in the first place? What was the point of having the best miracle of my life be taken away from me as quickly as she came? Why did she choose me? I was only her Friend A and nothing more. She was the girl who liked my best friend, and I would only be the substitute, but I didn't mind. After all, Watari is the playboy, why would an angel with dazzling eyes and luscious blonde hair want a monotonic and dull guy like me? Just the thought that she would choose me over Watari almost makes me laugh.

Except that she _did_ choose me over Watari.

 _Such a cruel boy. Telling me to dream one more time. I thought I was satisfied because my dream had come true...And I'd told myself it was enough...Yet here you are, watering this withered heart again._

You're the cruel one here, it's because of you that my heart broke. It's because of you that I can never play the piano the same way ever again. It's because of you that I feel so alone right now. Why are you doing this to me? Didn't you say that you loved me? If that's the case, why do you still continue to haunt me? Is it because that I never visited you as often as I should have in the hospital? Or the fact that I ate your caneles right in front of you? I just wish that my life was back to normal, before any of this ever happened. My heart is filled with heavy guilt and regret, and it's all because of you, Kaori Miyazono.

But if that's the way I feel, then why do I still have so much love for you?


	3. Chapter 3: Apologies

Could it be that I love her because she's gone now? Because I never realized just how much she meant to me? How could she be so happy when she knew she would be leaving soon? Why can't I just accept what's happened to her? How did Watari do it?

Watari. The guy that every girl likes. The captain of the soccer team. The best friend who's always had my back since Day 1. How does he do it? How is he so confident? How is he just so likable? And what's he doing with a bum like me? He could do much better than me as a best friend. Anytime I was in a slump, he was always there for me, ready to help me out, like the big brother I never had. And how did I repay him? I turned into a backstabber and practically stole his own girlfriend from him. How can he still call me his best friend? He's said before that he knew that I liked Kaori, and to go with what my heart told me, but I knew that deep down, the fact still hurt him, or rather, _I_ hurt him. How can he still trust me, after all that?

 _"Hey, there you are. I've been looking for you."_

 _"Hey Watari, what brings you here?"_

 _"Look, I know that things have been painful for you for the past month, ever since Kaori passed. It's been painful for all of us, but I still wanted you to remember that I'm here for you, if you ever need to talk."_

 _"...How can you say that, with such confidence?"_

 _"What do you mean?"_

 _"The girl that you liked, I stole from you. I know that you told me to go for her, but I also know you well enough to know that it wasn't easy for you to say that. I know that Kaori wasn't like a regular girl to you, she was something special to you as well. So how can you even look at me the same way?"_

 _"Because I know love when I see it, and it's not something you can control. Love is a crazy ride that can leave you lightheaded, dizzy, but excited and overjoyed at the same time. I may not be a music expert like the two of you were, but I know saw the synergy between you two when you guys performed. She always came to you for guidance. She chose you over me, and it did hurt for a little bit. The first girl that I actually had real feelings for, and you happened to be there. I was only a stepping stone for her, so she could be with you. Believe it or not, I was jealous of you, Kousei. Jealous of the fact that Kaori seemed to revolve around you, as if you were the sun and she was the earth. Jealous of the fact that she always came to you for help, and not me, her boyfriend. Jealous of the fact that you two already had so much in common. There wasn't room for me as a boyfriend in Kaori's life. You had already filled that role. You just never realized it. Part of me was bitter, and I may have remained that way if I wasn't reminded of the day when I gave you the advice that, in the end, affected me more than it affected you. 'Whether or not it's impossible, the girl will let you know.' 'It's only natural for the girl you're crushing on to be in love with someone else. Since you're in love with her, she sparkles in your eyes. That's why people fall so irrationally in love.' At that time, I only teased you about you liking her. Never did I expect that you would be the perfect one for her. It was at that moment, after thinking about the advice that I gave you, that I realized that I needed to stop being so selfish. I've known you my entire time and I've never seen your eyes shine the way they did when you were with Kaori, and I saw the same thing in her. I saw that this was the first time that you ever experienced love, and I knew that I needed to be there for you, when you needed me the most, no matter how I felt about it. I needed to open my eyes and realize the fact that my best friend and the girl that I liked were in love with each other. Because in the end, my goal isn't about my happiness, it's about yours. Whether I was the friend you needed and could rely on, or not."_

 _"Watari..."_

 _"And besides, there's no point in being mad at my best friend for falling in love. That was something that I should have accepted from the start. If anyone should be mad here, it should be you. You should be mad at me for being so selfish. For not giving you a chance because I was scared that I was going to lose Kaori as a girlfriend, when she never really was mine in the first place. For not being there when you needed me the most. It's because of me that you held your own feelings back, and I was too blinded by my own selfish reasons to see that. Afterwards, I tried my best to convince you to tell Kaori how you really felt about her, but I knew that you were still holding back, and it's all because I wanted to be her boyfriend. You didn't want to get in the way, and it's because I never backed off when I should have. And for that, I'm sorry, Kousei. I really am. I hope you can find a place in your heart to forgive me. If it wasn't for me, maybe you two could have filled each other's lives with more happiness. I'm so sorry..."_

Watari...

I forgive you.


	4. Chapter 4: Best Friend, 'til the End

A/N: Wow, 150 views in a week? You guys are crazy, but regardless, thanks for your time! Hopefully you'll enjoy the future chapters!

 _A little girl is walking to somebody's house, with a ball in her hand. With short brown hair and warm caramel eyes, her lips form into a smile when she thinks of the big day ahead of her._

 _Oh boy, a nine year old Tsubaki thought_. _Today's the day when I'm gonna rescue Kousei from his house so we can play together all day! I can't wait to see the look on his face!_

 _She walked up to his house and knocked on the door, giddy with excitement._

 _"Hey Kousei! Want to play today?"_

 _"Ah, I can't right now. I'm kinda in the middle of a piano lesson..."_

 _"Kousei! What's taking you so long? Are you planning to go out? You know that you can't leave until you play this piece the exact way the score is written! Get back here right now!"_

 _A scared nine year old Kousei flinched at the sound of his mother's voice._

 _"Sorry, maybe next time..._

 _"Oh...ok. See you later."_

 _As Tsubaki gloomily walked away, she heard someone's voice from inside the house._

 _"...honestly Kousei, why do you even talk to her? She's nothing more than a distraction to you..."_

Growing up, that's pretty much the way things were between Tsubaki and I. Every time she came to my house to ask if I was available, the result was the same. I had a piano lesson going on, and, with heavy guilt, rejected her invitation to play outside. But despite all the declines, Tsubaki was still always there for me, just like Watari. Some of my fondest memories involve me and Tsubaki hanging out with some of our other friends. Especially like the time when I jumped off Courage Bridge for the first time. She's always been by my side, no matter how whiny I was or how annoyed she was. Just like how Watari was like the big brother I never had, Tsubaki treated me like I was a helpless kid and she felt it as her responsibility to look after me. She was one of the closest friends I could ever hope to have. Even when I wasn't there for her, she was still supportive to me. She's been to almost every single one of my piano recitals, yet I've only been to a couple of her softball games. When I hurt my ankle, Tsubaki literally carried me back all the way home, while I was crying the whole time. When I saw no hope for myself, when I lost my mother, when I broke during one of my concerts, when both me and my rep were at an all time low, Tsubaki was still there, reassurance and warmth glowing in her eyes. She knew that she would see me back on the stage performing one day, whether I wanted to or not. She kept me from falling into a deep abyss of tragedy and sorrow.

I took our friendship for granted. Friends don't get more loyal than Tsubaki. I wish I had realized that sooner, before our friendship became complicated. I wish I could've spent more time with her and be by her side more often. Our friendship gradually began to drift away, and it would attempt to move on the the next stage. Or rather, Tsubaki would attempt to do it. Maybe it was obvious from the start that Tsubaki had developed feelings for me, it must've been if Kaori noticed and was wise enough to not approach me directly, but neither of us really saw it coming. Can't speak for Tsubaki, but I love her as a friend. She's so reliable and I don't know where I would be without her, but I just don't see her _in that way._ I don't know what exactly triggered the emotions inside of her, but it all just seemed to happen so quickly.

 _"And you...have no choice but to love me!"_

Sometimes, I wish I _did._ We would've been the perfect match. We had the trust, the bond, and we could tell each other anything. You were like a dog, begging for attention, but you were just too lovable to ignore. You were there for me during my times of joy and grief. We saw each other grow up and we supported each other, through thick and thin. No matter how many times I chose the piano over you, you didn't let that affect us. You just kept trying more and more until one day, you would see through.

But...I don't love you like that. Maybe it's because you were like an older sister, not the girl whom I would fall for. Or maybe it's because our friendship was so strong, that I didn't want to move forward, I was content with where we were. Maybe...maybe it was because of Kaori. Maybe she was the one who made my heart flutter, so much to the point where I never noticed you in that same way. Maybe it's because I was so selfish and only had eyes on Kaori, I never really thought about Tsubaki. But now, it's too late. What's been said has been said. I know how I feel about you, and how you feel about me. It's just like Watari said. Love is a crazy roller coaster ride that you can't control. Sometimes you'll end up falling for someone, or someone will end up falling for you. It just happens without explanation. It can leave you happy and excited, or dizzy and nauseating. You just don't know what'll happen until after the ride is over.

Hopefully, you'll find the guy right for you one day. Someone who can provide you more happiness than I ever did and ever will. He'd be willing to do all the things that you were willing to do for me. Thank you for our friendship, and thank you for being there every step of the way. No matter how different things get between us, I hope that our bond and trust will still always be there, never to break. You'll always have a special place in my heart, Tsubaki Sawabe.

 _"Aw Mom, she's not a distraction to me. She's one of the few people that I can just hang out with, without a care in the world. After all, we've beem best friends for our whole lives, and I'm gonna make sure that it stays that way!"_


End file.
